Where do I begin… ?

I haven’t felt like myself for awhile lately. My joy has been stolen, & I’ve not known who to talk to about this so I haven’t talked with anyone really (not good for me). If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that if you don’t talk about it, you don’t get over it til you do!!

We should have an 8-month old now. We should be making plans for his/her future, but instead I’m left with a sadness I can’t seem to shake & anger/depression every month that goes by where we don’t conceive again.

We were ‘only’ 8.5 weeks along when I started miscarrying. I wasn’t sure I’d ever talk about it, write about it, or acknowledge it… & I don’t feel I need to openly to justify their life. Because every life is valuable & nothing can change that! I’d always know & so do some close friends & family members, so that’s all that matters to me.

Except I read one friend’s journey of losing their baby tonight, & it made me feel for the first time that I needed to write this out & process it myself. I finally felt ready to do so.

I look back on the last 15 months since this happened, and I realize I’ve been depressed. Big time. Part of it has been hormonal — my body felt “off” for a good YEAR after we lost our baby (which totally surprised me) — but a big part of my heart has been hurting, too. I’m in my mid-30s & have always wanted a BIG family, yet we only have 1 child & we’re struggling to get pregnant again. Our sweet daughter is beyond precious to us!!! So I don’t say this to take away from her amazing life, but I also want her to have brothers & sisters to experience life with, siblings who fill our home with laughter & chaos 🙂 & the pitter patter of little feet. Yet some days I look at my situation & where others my age are (3-4 kids deep) — & my lifelong dreams seem near ruined. I’m considered “geriatric” in the maternity world, & yet my heart desires to love on so many more kids. Yes, there’s always adoption — we know. But I wanted to experience pregnancy many more times, not just once. (And please know that I am SO GRATEFUL I’ve even been given the blessing, joy & opportunity to carry our 1 child full-term!).

Miscarriage is so common these days, people almost shrug it off. But when it happens to you or someone you love — the devastation is so real. Losing a baby in utero is hard. We were SO filled with joy & hope at this new life!! I found out right around new years day 2018, so I was making so many new year’s plans around this little person! I’d conceived mid-December. We went in for our 8 week ultrasound on Feb. 1st, but instead of seeing a teeny tiny baby kicking around in there, we saw — a yolk sac, my gestational sac &… a void where there should’ve been a baby. I soon learned that the presence of a yolk sac indicates a human is growing in there, so likely my baby was hiding behind that yolk sac but he/she was too small for us to see around it.

After our ultrasound, my husband & I walked into what was supposed to be our little family’s “celebratory brunch” together, but I was glassy-eyed & couldn’t enjoy it. I knew in the pit of my stomach something was very, very wrong. I texted family members what was going on, & my sweet/amazing sis-in-law called immediately & PRAYED with me in my moment of devastation *this meant so much to me!!!*. She cried for me. It was beautiful & soo necessary for my heart in that moment.

Our baby shouldn’t have been only measuring 5.2 weeks. I knew this. They should’ve been 8+ weeks!! I tracked everything & calculated carefully & knew all the signs — this wasn’t good. Others tried to kindly reassure me, & it did get my hopes up somewhat — so when I started miscarrying Feb. 5th, I was so devastated!

1 Day, 2 Losses

A very good friend of mine from Colorado also lost her husband that very same day. Ironically, her & I were texting about my baby news when she got The Call that her husband had been shot in the line of duty. She texted me a brief explanation that he’d been shot & to PRAY, so I did & texted her for updates, but they never came. My husband & I scoured the Colorado Springs news that night for a couple hours, hoping for some semblance of hope. I checked her & her family’s Facebook pages for posts pleading for prayers, but found none. My stomach was flip-flopping, wondering what had happened & knowing deep-down it wasn’t good.

Then we watched the live-streamed police press conference where they announced the fallen officers in the shooting, & they said a familiar name. We were in shock to put it lightly. My husband started crying. I don’t even remember how I reacted because it was so overwhelming. I was numb from the day’s events already, & this loss just felt brutal & cruel. It was such a heartbreaking blow to lose our friend, her husband, & our baby. Just 7 months before, they’d come to stay with us for a Florida vacation at our home! We had such a blast!! And the year prior, all 5 of us (our newborn baby included) got to vacation near Ft. Lauderdale at a family member’s beautiful home together 🙂 It was what dreams are made of!

And then, in some strange twist of fate, my beautiful & strong friend lost her husband on the same day we lost our much-hoped-for baby. While texting with each other about our lives & updates. It was so ironic & painful.

Since then, I’ve watched her walk out her grief journey in a very public & painful way. Her husband was a hero — sincerely — & he was honored publicly in Colorado Springs. We saw his face & name splashed all over national news, even Fox News & Twitter & newspapers everywhere. We watched the live-streamed public funeral where she gave a gut-wrenchingly beautiful & poised speech honoring her fallen husband, maybe 5 days after his untimely death. She is the epitome of grace under pressure. I, maybe not so much.

We’ve both been grieving in our own ways since then. I can’t pretend what life would be like raising my child fatherless like she now is, with all the fears & unknowns & the crippling grief overwhelming me like she’s had to walk. But we’ve both been grieving the death of someone we loved dearly. I didn’t have the privilege of knowing this child I was carrying before it went to heaven, but I believe I’ll meet him one day. I believe he (I always think it’s a he for some reason) is hanging with Jesus to this day, with my beloved friend’s husband there, too… living in paradise where we’ll meet again someday not-too-far in the future.

A Heart Changed

But I know my heart’s changed. My heart goes out to all the women who’ve lost children — in utero, in the infancy stages, as small children, teens, or grown adults. You should never have to experience such loss, & no one will ever understand your grief unless they’ve walked your path. It is SO hard to imagine where your child would be today, had *it* not happened. It is the constant thought in the back of your mind on any given day.

He would be teething by now. She’d be starting kindergarten! He would be 16 today, getting his driver’s license. She would be graduating college. He would be walking down the aisle right about now. She would be welcoming her first baby.

You can’t live in that place, & I try not to most days, but my mind absolutely goes there. My heart feels the crushing weight of a stolen life — way, way, WAY too soon — & I feel the emptiness in our home often & in my daughter’s life because she’s an only child & she shouldn’t be anymore. She should have a little brother she’s being too rough with & whose diaper she’s helping me change! She should be learning all the Big Sister things she can & playing peekaboo with him. I shouldn’t be a mom of a heavenly baby & neither should all these other mamas who lost their babies (big or small).

My sweet daughter wore a “Big Sister” shirt to announce our baby’s life to the world. Weeks later, I had to explain to her why there was no baby in my tummy anymore :*( Sadly, I’ve recently had to have this SAME heart-wrenching conversation with my girl after a family member lost her baby early in pregnancy, too. My daughter kept asking how the baby was in their tummy, & I had to tell her the baby was in heaven with Jesus now. :**( Her young mind may not fully understand what that means or why, but already she has been touched by the death of these little babies, & it should not be this way.

A Faith Tested

It’s not how God intended it — no matter HOW many well-intentioned people try to tell me He did. They are in a better place, & for that I’m so grateful. But my heart absolutely yearns for his life here, today, in our home. I look back over the last 15 months, & I see a grieving mom who’s taken a long time to process & let go of the unexpected loss.

I see my faith struggle as I’ve grappled with God, trying to understand why He’d speak to my heart for around 8 MONTHS prior to my pregnancy that I’d be “pregnant by Christmas”, then that exact timing happen, only to lose our baby a little while later (true story).

Why? Why would He get my hopes up for that long, only to allow this baby to be taken? I know He’s not the Author of death — someone else is — but still why? Such questions aren’t easily answered (or to our satisfaction really). WHAT could possibly bring a grieving mother peace, one of a tiny human gone before their time?

I believe their lives were stolen too young. I believe the enemy of our souls had a bad plan for them, & he won on that day (but not forever!). I don’t believe in any way that God wanted these small babies to lose their lives. Yes, eventually death happens to everyone until the last day comes… but I don’t believe it’s meant for the youngest among us. I see in my situation (& many others’) a life stolen by the author of death. Jesus said He came to give us life & life abundantly! That doesn’t include a life snuffed out in the womb, & I firmly believe the many scriptural promises littered throughout God’s word that He doesn’t want us to miscarry, that He brings to fruition that which He starts, & that He desires to give us long lives.

My peace comes in knowing God isn’t the One who ended my baby’s life & yet He’s the One who’s walked me through this journey, who’s given me compassion for grieving mamas, & who’s holding my baby in heaven tonight. In the book of Job, who killed his 10 children? It certainly wasn’t God!!! It was the enemy who sent a mighty wind that struck down the house they were all in & claimed their lives in 1 day!

If You’re Grieving Someone, Too…

If you’ve experienced any kind of loss — a baby, a spouse, a parent, a dear friend, or someone you loved — feel free to reach out to me for prayer. Know I feel the pain with you & I haven’t walked your exact journey but God grieves with you, too. He is SO compassionate & He so values every single human life!! He values that person’s life with the life of His Son, & that says everything.

One day He promises to wipe our tears from our eyes & recompense us for every tear we’ve cried. People may not always be compassionate on earth, may get impatient with your grief & tell you to “move on”, but our pain means we loved that person wholeheartedly. I loved this little person in my womb for many months before they were conceived — & I still love them today. Their life is as real to me as my daughter’s.

Thanks for reading my story, & just know if there’s someone in your life grieving a loss, don’t rush them. Don’t tell them to get over it (!) or that it’s a good thing their baby didn’t come because maybe something was wrong with it or that the timing wouldn’t have been good in your life (why do people say things like this?).

Please, use less words & just give more hugs & pray for God to heal their heart. They’ll likely never be the same because every life MATTERS, no matter how young! And I’m so glad they do because that means you & I matter, too, & that God values each of us with the highest price — Jesus.

xoxo, Summer