This message has been reverberating in my mind lately.

“He can’t heal what you won’t release.”

I’ve watched the destruction of people’s lives — including my own in the past (lol) — because we couldn’t let go of our hurts. I’ve watched people’s marriages crumble due to bitterness. I’ve watched families break apart. I’ve watched a church split (so heart-wrenching) and companies struggle & even fold due to it.

Unforgiveness is a powerful drug to be under the influence of. It’s intoxicating, this sense of “I’m right & you’re wrong”. Our sense of injustice & need for vindication burns through our veins, causing us to make the MOST irrational & self-destructive choices ever. We want someone to pay for our pain but fail to see that that someone is (sometimes) them but (always) us.

How many times has someone pled “temporary insanity” in a “crime of passion”? Passion can quickly ignite rage within us when we love something or someone dearly, then someone destroys it in our life. We loved that person, that thing, whatever it was that was taken from us — and our rage drove us to destroy in retaliation.

That’s the end result of our anger & bitterness: Destruction.

Of our character & integrity, of our relationships, of our heart!! Of our joy & peace of mind. Our health. Our career. Our family.

We must let it go — for our sake, our children’s, our marriage’s, & every relationship in our life. Because of bitterness in your heart, you can quite literally send your own life up in flames!!! I’ve watched people do it because they refused to forgive someone who abused them years — even DECADES — ago & they made every new person in their life pay for it.

If there’s an injustice in life that hurts innocent people the most, it’s making them pay for the crimes of another. Isn’t that what perpetuates this cycle of brokenness to begin with… when we shield our wounded hearts & hold onto our pain via resentment, then withdraw & neglect or project our bitterness onto the next person in our lives?

How. Wrong. How. FOOLISH! How unfair.

Should your new husband suffer for what your last one did?
Should your boss suffer because you have issues with authority stemming back to childhood?
Should your child suffer because you refuse to forgive your parents for their failures?
Should your friends suffer due to the wrongs of your old best friend?
Should YOU struggle the rest of your life because you won’t let go of that abuse, that infidelity, that divorce, that betrayal?

Never. Yet we perpetuate the pain cycles in our lives into the lives of others. What a tragedy.

It’s Not You, It’s Them

I’m often reminded that what one person does to me is more of a reflection of what THEY’VE been through than it is of ME. They’re simply living out their own brokenness, and {sadly} I became some of the collateral damage. But I AM NOT the cause, nor am I the only victim. And I have a choice not to continue the dysfunction in my own life when I refuse to allow THEIR issues to change me.

I frequently remind myself of this truth because it is TRUE & it sets me free! It helps me forgive so much more easily when I don’t take it so personally. 

Cycles of brokenness continue when 1) healing hasn’t happened in someone’s life and 2) when we allow them to. The first reason is out of our control — we can’t MAKE someone whole on our own!! But we can take responsibility for #2, our reaction to the brokenness.

God’s first step in healing us is through OUR forgiveness. No, we may never get that apology, but He can still heal our hearts & open doors for us to help others experiencing similar pain.

There’s a quote that says,

“God can heal your heart, but you must give Him all the pieces.”

It may sound cheesy, but it’s true. One of the biggest pieces of our hearts is the pain we endured from someone else’s sin — the potential for bitterness we often cling to in the wake of wrongdoing. Don’t hold it back from Him.

One Clue You’re Living with Bitterness

Do you want to know one way I’m learning that I have bitterness in my heart? When life becomes hard. Not just like everyday hard or even tragedy-strikes hard, but when I no longer feel God’s grace at work in my day-to-day.

You know why this is a clue that bitterness is alive & well in my life? Because of verses like this (in the story of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18):

“The king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

“That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

Our unforgiveness towards others unleashes TORTURE in our lives and blocks God’s grace from flowing to us!! That is NOT a good place to be. It makes life so much harder.

What is God’s Plan with Our Pain?

Do you & I understand what GOD wants to do with our broken parts & pieces? He wants to HEAL them — He wants to REDEEM them, to use what once near-destroyed us as a force for good!!

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” — Genesis 50 {Joseph’s story}

God wants to use those things that cut us to the core to fuel a passion within us or to give us a platform, forging us {in the fire} for future MINISTRY. But how can He if we cling to our right to be wronged?

What is a more powerful way to bring “beauty from ashes” in your life than to be the change you wish to see in your family, your marriage, your business, your church, or your community? Instead of harping on your hardship, actively forgive your wrongdoers & attack the issue by doing the opposite of what they’ve done to hurt you!

Focusing on your bitterness makes you a perpetual victim, and as the Holy Spirit once said to me,

“Always the victim, never the victor.”

You & I will NEVER overcome what we allow to rule our hearts & minds: Our painful experiences. We can either view them from above (living in forgiveness) or from below (wallowing in bitterness & self-pity), but we can’t expect to live the victorious life from the latter vantage point.

God Says to You & I Today…

Release it so I can redeem it!! And watch Me turn it around for your good.

In Romans 8 He says,

^“God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.”

Every single thing. He has a plan for it, yes even that thing you think of late at night & have labeled irredeemable. Especially that one.

So just forgive. It’s the best revenge 🙂