Love Them First.
Y’all!! Happy Love Month ❤❤
In honor of one of my favorite times of year, it seems appropriate to talk about the topic on all our minds in February: Love!
I’m by no means a parenting guru (are we ever?) 🙂 , but the Lord’s been laying this message on my heart from day one with our baby girl, so I wanted to share this simple message with you today.
I have a 21-month old daughter. That’s the extent of my parenting “experience”! However, I am a 34 year old daughter and friend to many, and if there’s one issue I’ve witnessed time & time again in families, it’s that we (like with many things in life!) tend to forget the basics.
As Christians, we may believe there’s a special parenting formula laid out in Scripture that we must follow, word-for-word. “Training up our kids in the way they should go” essentially means detailing all of God’s Do’s & Don’ts to them, right?
And though we need to clearly define good & bad behavior to our children, many parenting circles overlook the #1 most important aspect of raising kids:
Love them! Every day 🙂
I may not be a parenting expert, but I understand that the best way to start your kid’s life is to love them like crazy!! And to properly love them means doing kind things for them IN THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE.
Have you heard of The 5 Love Languages? Because you can be loving your children in your own ‘language’ & never connect with them. Pay attention to what your child asks of you & what they give to you & others readily:
- Time (talking & shared activities)
- Service
- Affirmation
- Gifts
- Touch
Here are some ideas for hitting on ALL these love languages in your kids regularly:
- Tell them throughout the day how much you love them {& why!}.
- Touch them sweetly, kiss them as often as they’ll allow, & hug them when they need it.
- Be available to them when they want your attention {to the best of your ability} — or let them know you care & you’ll tend to them as soon as you can.
- Validate their feelings & struggles — don’t dismiss their emotions or make fun of them. Listen to them share their hearts & offer guidance & encouragement.
- Meet their everyday needs: Food, clothing, shelter, school supplies, proper sleep & nutrition, playtime, exercise, etc.
- Buy them little gifts when you go shopping, items they’re interested in or are on their wish lists.
- Celebrate who they are & their special events — birthdays, accomplishments, recitals & games — whatever they love & are involved in!
- Do fun activities with them: Mini golf, walks in your neighborhood, beach days, carnivals, biking, nearby parks, the pool — the places your child is interested in 🙂
- Be respectful & give them physical space when they request it or tell you to stop tickling/hugging them.
Love is the air our children breathe. It is their #1 need {& ours}. We spend our whole lives searching for it! So instead of our kids entering the “real world” with a Love Deficit, what if we built their lives on unconditional love so they can withstand all this world throws at them?
Even if they rebel, lose, embarrass or hurt us… what if we showed them we were ALWAYS in their corner loving them with open arms, eager to accept them regardless of their failures & imperfections?
This doesn’t mean no consequences for bad behavior, it simply means they always know they’re welcome & loved in spite of themselves.
This is the kind of love our kids need, more than ANY other “lesson” we can teach them growing up!!
How Do People Grow Best?
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
— Ephesians 3
The emphasis is on being GROUNDED IN LOVE with fellow believers!! This is how God’s Word says we best experience His heart & grow into His fullness. It doesn’t say adherence to perfect doctrine, accountability, fasting frequency, length of prayers, or church commitment & service. It says experiencing L-O-V-E among Christ’s people is what spurs our growth!
In the next chapter, Paul also says this:
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Speaking truth lovingly to each other is another way we grow into maturity in our faith, and when the differing parts of Christ’s body — each believer fulfilling their role — builds up the body with love.
Love is THE KEY to our growth — & our children’s!!! It’s THE ingredient fueling our maturity! Don’t miss this, mamas & daddies!
Love is the foundation of rock-solid Christianity, the soil God intends for every one of us to be planted in to grow up mightily in Him! When we’re ESTABLISHED in love, we then experience growth & unity as a body of believers because we’ve been grounded in His love. We’ll find that Jesus becomes more recognizable in us and our kids!
Simply put, when it comes to discipling our children, teaching them, & training them in righteousness…
Love Must Come First.
We don’t help our kids “grow” and mature faster when we set expectations on them right out the gate, such as:
I’ll approve of you when you get Straight A’s. When you make the basketball team. When you get your doctorate. When you have good manners. When you get married. When you make me proud.
[That is called conditional love].
Our kids must FIRST know we love them, warts & all. This is the foundation that the rest of their lives will be built upon. And if this is how WE grow up as God’s children, who are we to think our children will grow any differently?
Without true love to base their lives on, they’ll be walking on shaky ground because instead of chasing God’s purposes & destiny for them, they’ll spend their years searching for what their heart longs for above all else: Deep, relentless love.
Once they KNOW they’re loved by us, their hearts & minds will be set free to flourish & grow. They will learn FROM US how much God loves them, what loving others looks like, what Jesus’s love for them is like, because they see His love through us.
Science Agrees with Scripture {Grab the tissues!}
Did you know that science is discovering a drastic difference between the brains of neglected babies & the brains of well-loved babies?
In the first few years of life, a child’s brain growth is based DIRECTLY on the amount of love & nurture they receive!! The more they are held, cared for, & have their basic needs satisfied, the bigger their brains grow. The brains of neglected children are much smaller & show more “dark areas” where formation should’ve been.
The shrunken, disjointed brain of a neglected child carries them throughout the rest of their life, hampering their ability to not only relate to others but also to think critically, deal with stress & tough emotions, and overcome challenges. They simply don’t have the capacity to handle these the way a child who was well-loved does.
The well-loved child has a huge advantage: Their brain literally makes them smarter, more adaptable, more confident & far more geared towards success than a neglected child.
Perhaps one theory for this is that a child who didn’t get their basic needs met in their earliest years spends the rest of their life consumed with ensuring their survival, as opposed to focusing on higher learning, bigger goals, & working towards ‘the common good’. They’re merely in survival mode! This is the difference between surviving VS. thriving.
What a huge key we give our children in life when we love them well! Love changes our children’s brains. It is CRUCIAL that they receive the love God destined them to have in their formative years with us! In my opinion — which I believe to be solidly scriptural — this is the most important goal of parenting, far beyond giving them an excellent education, firm discipline, church & youth group attendance, & the like.
Love Your Kids First.
I didn’t say it was easy, but we must seek God & ask for His help to love our kids the way He wants us to love them {& how they desperately need to be loved}.
Then they will grow. They’ll soar. They’ll be free to accomplish whatever it is God wants them to… because they won’t spend their whole young lives searching for the love YOU & I were meant to give them.
Love them liberally. Love them the way you wish you were loved, and surround them with a community of people who will love them well, too, and help them grow in Jesus’s nature — just like Scripture says.
Then watch their lives flourish & their character deepen. Watch their hearts change & soften. Watch God fill them with His fullness… all because you began with love.
We love because He first loved us.
— 1 John 4:19