Credit: Creative Commons, Mollybob

In recent weeks, I’ve noticed an unpleasant little habit we girls (& guys!) sometimes have. I call it “Filling in the Blanks” for other people, and it looks something like this:

Instead of communicating with our friends & family, spouse, coworkers or whomever, we make assumptions about their thoughts & feelings, their needs, even whether they like us or not! We can jump to pretty serious conclusions about people without them ever opening their mouths.

As you can imagine, this causes relational trouble. Why? Because it replaces conversation with speculation. None of us intend to do this, of course, but it sneaks up on us so subtly that we don’t always realize we’re doing it! Considering its potential to damage friendships & marriages that take years to build, we need to kick this habit for good.

The happiest people I know – & those with the strongest relationships – don’t make a habit of “filling in the blanks” for people. Instead, they have conversations, ask questions, & confront issues if there’s a need for it. The only time they jump to conclusions is when they assume the best of others (and they tend to receive it!).

“Filling in the blanks” for people is shaky ground because it bases our relationship on assumption & (dare I say?) a bit of judgment-passing. This cheats us & the people around us of truly connecting & understanding each other.

Instead of human interaction, this type of exchange is mostly in our heads. That doesn’t even SOUND healthy, does it? 🙂

Yet too many relationships are damaged by someone filling in another’s blanks, mine included. So why do we do it?

Potential Reasons We Assume Things about Others:

1. That person hurt us or triggered past hurts.
2. Anger & resentment {cough, same as #1, cough}.
3. Fear – of rejection, direct communication, vulnerability, the unknown, negative reactions.
4. Jealousy or envy.
5. Stereotypes & prejudice (or that less-than-pretty term “judgment”)
6. Past experience with that person.

Why We Shouldn’t Make Assumption a Habit:

• Assumption is not reality – it’s our perception of reality.
• It’s the devil’s playground. He delights in shading partial truths in his favor & destroying relationships between people.
• When we assume, we aren’t giving people a chance to speak. Instead, we speak for them!
• It doesn’t build relationship – it fosters division, judgment, & criticism. Jesus encourages us to build unity with others, not walls!
• It’s simply unloving. “Love always trusts” and “Love always hopes”. Assumption does neither.
• It creates stress, anxiety, & insecurity in our lives (& in others).
• It isolates us because we invest more time thinking about people instead of relating to them.

So What’s the Alternative?

You guessed it: TALKING. I know, the wisdom!

Open the lines of communication with your friend, mom, or husband instead of assuming they’re mad/ sad/ blowing you off. I’ve sent texts that were never delivered and emails that got lost in the shuffle. How did I find out? Because I asked 🙂

People almost certainly don’t hate us, so let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and let them (& our opinion of them) be.

Two Exceptions to the Rule:

#1: When You Have Reasonable Doubt.

When you have multiple encounters with a person that give you reason to believe something’s amiss, ask them how they’re doing & if everything’s okay between you. I know – it’s kinda weird to ask directly, but try it anyway! 🙂

Don’t suffer in silence & relegate yourself to “filling in the blanks” for them. UGH, can you say relationship killer? You care enough about the person to fear losing them in your life, so it’s better to tackle an issue with them head-on than allow assumption to slowly kill your friendship.

#2: When “Your Gut” is Speaking!

Because we’re not all-knowing like God, we must depend on Him to navigate relational issues. This is where discernment comes in.

We may pick up on an issue with someone without ever communicating with them. In these instances, we should pay attention to what the Holy Spirit is saying. He has good reason for sharing it with us!

Pray for wisdom! Ask God if the source is Him (discernment) or us (flesh). If we’re in our flesh (i.e. anger or jealousy), we can “spiritualize” our judgments of someone. I’ve done this & it’s really not cool.

My friend Toni taught me to pray this: “Lord, why are You showing me this?” Does He want you to talk with this person? Pray about it? Warn someone? Be sensitive to His leading, and keep your heart pure before acting!

7 Ways to Stop “Filling in the Blanks” for People:

1. Pray for God’s help to overcome this tendency.
2. Assume the best about people. It’s much more fun than imagining the worst anyway 🙂
3. Don’t be judgey! Scripture says it returns back to us. That’s reason enough not to jump to conclusions.
4. Have compassion. Recognize people are human, like we are, with flesh & temptations & a past that contributes to their behavior. This helps me with the following…
5. Try not to take it personally. Even when someone tries to make it about you, it usually isn’t. And that makes it easier to….
6. Forgive their behavior. This is a must, as we all know! Don’t give the enemy a hold on you. Release your suspicions, no matter how true they seem. Talk it out with God if you’d like, just don’t let it fester!
7. [If needed] Approach the person & talk it out. I aim for this when I realize that something will negatively impact our relationship (unless it’s addressed). I believe it’s unfair to distance myself from someone without giving them a chance to make amends or explain themselves. Direct communciation may be hard, but it’s vital for the peace & health of our relationships.

The order is important: Pray first, assume the best, don’t judge, extend compassion & mercy, forgive, then talk to them (if needed)!

The more we refuse to “fill in the blanks” for others, the free-er we are to have better relationships with them. Scripture encourages us to go to people directly instead of discussing our “opinions” with other friends & harboring frustration in our hearts {I’m reminded of the proverb “A gossip separates close friends…“}. Opening our mouth in honest communication with God & others is a great antidote to both gossip & bitterness.

Lord, Please Show Us…

… where we’ve jumped to conclusions in our relationships. We’re sorry for how we’ve contributed to misunderstandings & division with this behavior. We don’t want to grieve Your Spirit or discourage fellowship in Your Body.

Help us repair the damage we’ve caused by “filling in the blanks” for each other. Show us whenever we exhibit this destructive habit, and please show us productive ways to handle each situation that arises.

We pray for Your peace & unity in all of our relationships! We know that is Your joy. Thank You for the privilege of being “ministers of reconciliation”. Help us to pursue peace & understanding with each other and honor You in our relationships. We bind all fears & anxieties associated with being open & honest with each other, and pray for Your boldness in seeking lasting peace.

We also bind the enemy in our interactions & from stirring up controversy/misunderstandings between Your people, and we pray You expose him and his handiwork in every relationship we have.

Free our communication, Lord, in Jesus’s name. Amen.