Credit: Olivia Benazir

“Because Of You” by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way to never let it get that far

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you

I appreciate good music like any girl, especially from the talented Kelly Clarkson, but for some reason this song has never settled well with me.

I realized why a couple weeks ago when it came on my Pandora station: The singer acts powerless, blaming her life’s troubles on someone else.

It’s true that people give us baggage sometimes. We can be walking through life, happy as clams, when a person does something intentional or not-so-intentional to hurt us and make our lives more difficult. In order for us to move past it, we must learn how to deal effectively with each hurt as it comes along.

This song has some powerful lessons for us on “what not to do” in such a scenario. Here goes 🙂

3 Ways To Be Unhappy:

1. Make internal vows. The first 4 lines of this song are the singer promising to never repeat what whoever in her life (her parent?) did to get their heart broken. “I will not….” are some very strong words to use. Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today Ministries taught the following about vows. He pointed out that the Bible cautions us against making such hasty vows because they have power to shape our future. Jesus said that any vow (beyond letting our “Yes be yes” and “No be no”) is from the enemy! In this case, the singer vows to close herself off from other people to spare herself similar heartache. Doesn’t that sound like the enemy’s work? While protecting ourselves is human nature, she’s doing so at her own expense. We find out why her vows are so damaging in the next 4 verses!
2. Don’t forgive. This song is devoted to the object of the singer’s anger. She blames this person for her problems: Shame, fear, not being able to get close to people anymore. Yet she doesn’t seem to recognize the strong connection between her vows to “Not break the way you did” and “Not make the same mistakes that you did” and her fears like not knowing “how to let anyone else in”. Her vows to protect herself from others also shielded new people from entering her life. When we don’t let painful events go and instead choose to protect ourselves with “I’ll nevers”, we become prisoners of our own bitterness. I can relate to this myself, but to move forward into the life God wants for us, bitterness is not a biblical option. Who knows the amazing relationships and joys such vows prevent us from experiencing! I hope we’ll see that letting go is the best way to live.
3. Give others the keys to our life. The saddest part of this whole song is that the singer blames another person for her troubles and never takes personal responsibility for her reaction to the pain she endured. While doing this seems difficult, it’s the most freeing thing we can do when we’ve been hurt! Every time I’ve owned up to my mistakes (even if it was ‘just’ my reaction) I’ve experienced freedom. But every time I’ve shifted blame onto someone else’s shoulders and made them the reason for my difficulties, I’ve gotten “stuck” in life and continued revisiting the hurt “they” caused me – a very natural response. It’s no surprise then that this singer would devote an entire song to someone who hurt her! At times we give others the keys to our lives, making them responsible for repaying us for any harm done… but this gives them control over our lives and hands them the keys to our future. God never said we should take responsibility for someone else’s behavior or that they’re responsible for ours. He simply encourages us to own up to our own. Accepting my part in a situation (no matter how small) is the best thing I can do for myself and the people in my life. This means that no matter what situation I find myself in, I CAN TAKE ACTION. I can move forward. I don’t have to remain powerless and hurt, allowing someone else to hinder me from growing and loving new people. I can be free from their mistakes and sins against me. I can even love on them and pray for them, from a safe distance!

Grudge-holding makes us feel strong, but it really makes us weak. Once we recognize that we’re handing over our God-given power to people who have hurt us, it loses its appeal. By staying angry, we put ourselves at our transgressor’s mercy – not “because of them” as this song says but because of our own choices. We have a say in the matter, but we forfeit that when we hold onto our anger.

We can take back our lives by 1) forgiving others, 2) breaking harmful vows and agreements we’ve made because of our past hurts, and 3) accepting responsibility for our actions. To do so may require the help of the Holy Spirit, but He is more than willing to assist us in obeying God’s word.

We were never meant to handle unforgiveness. Romans 12 says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” When we take vengeance into our own hands, we relinquish our authority in the situation and may interfere with God’s plans to bring His vengeance into it. Also, when we focus on what others “owe” us, we lose our vision and become consumed with “debt collecting” even though we may never succeed at settling our accounts.

Let’s allow the Lord to handle our justice and repayment so that we can move forward unhindered by what others do to us. We can trust Him to make the situation right in due time and to restore what’s been lost.

I’m learning this along with you! My hope is that we will become people who let God settle the score, wait for His justice instead of our own, and even learn to love those who’ve hurt us most.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes