“Baby’s black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
You’re not thinking bout tomorrow
‘Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees”

Credit: www.jasonnoffsingerphotography.net

{Written yesterday morning, May 15th, 2012}

This morning I awoke with a very heavy heart.  Vulnerable and open and sensitive and broken.  In this twilight sleep, I was reminded of a song I heard yesterday, Black Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls, and it suddenly came to me…. what this girl’s “black balloon” was.

Drugs.

Lead singer Johnny Rzeznik was singing about her addiction, how it overtook her life, how he “almost fell into that hole in [her] life”.  This black balloon made her fly & “was [her] womb” – sheltering her from the harsh realities of the world.

Goo Goo Dolls songs seem to carry a deep weight with them.  But not a good weight.  Each time I’ve heard one lately, I’ve recognized why they resonate deeply with us, with me, especially my younger self.  They speak of deep things we experience as we grow up: losing our dreams, losing love, abortion (who knew Slide was about that?), pain, growing up in a harsh world.  Their common thread is this:

Hopelessness.

They don’t impart hope at all.  In fact they seemingly overwhelm you with despair.  Iris, Black Balloon, Name, and all their other great hits bring me to the same place: dark and empty.

After my mini revelation today, I read about Rzeznik’s upbringing – his parents’ deaths during his teens, raised by his sisters, his wife (or bandmate Robbie’s wife/ex-wife, they won’t say) being addicted to heroin and him trying to save her from falling deeper into that pit.  It was all incredibly – sad.  No wonder this guy’s songs throb with pain and depth.  This guy’s been through it.  But sadly, he hasn’t made it to the other side where hope is.

I hate seeing people suffer perpetually, their whole life one tragedy after another or at best a dark/cynical comedy.  It’s not meant to be like that.  God’s given us such hope!

BUTTERFLIES

Butterflies keep standing out to me lately.  They seem to be everywhere I go.  In our Costa Rican bedroom wall painting (above).  On the ranch’s fig trees.  In Costa Rica’s rainforest.  Even on Pinterest.

I read this on a Christian website about biblical symbols:

The butterfly Christian symbol represents and symbolizes the Resurrection.  The butterfly has 3 phases during its life:

1. The caterpillar – The caterpillar which just eats symbolises normal earthly life where people are preoccupied with taking care of their physical needs.
2. The chrysalis or cocoon – The chrysalis or cocoon resembles the tomb.
3. The butterfly – The butterfly represents the resurrection into a glorious new life free of material restrictions.

I hurt for the GGD lead singer and anyone else who goes through “the dark night”, enters the cocoon but never breaks free to the other side.  They stay in darkness.  Their cocoon, meant to be the death of their carnal (ungodly) nature and the place where they’re transformed into something beautiful, becomes their tomb instead of their womb – their birthing place.

They die.  And never come back to life.  They miss freedom on the other side of their painful journey.

Balloons were never meant to symbolize our dark addictions, black ones choking the life out of us and killing our dreams.

I envision balloons as childhood playthings that encapsulate how we felt as kids – carefree, flying, being above the pain and disappointment of the world, alive and free.  Many of us didn’t know pain or disappointment then.  We were drawn to balloons because they were like us: free from entanglements and floating above the mess.

So this morning, with all this swirling in my mind and on my heart….

I sat down to read God’s word.  I needed His comfort, words of hope and life.  And what two passages did I come across?  Job (knee-deep in misery) and Lazarus (dead in the tomb).  Hmm!

Job lost 10 kids (!!), his good health, his sweet wife (who turned bitter, as a former mother of ten might), his wealth, and his status.  Overnight.  Then his friends turned on him, blaming him for his misfortune.

And Lazarus?  He was overtaken by an illness that killed him.  I turned today to the part where people were murmuring that if only Jesus had been there, perhaps He could’ve saved Lazarus from death!  Mary telling Jesus she didn’t want to roll back the tombstone for fear of the stench.  And Jesus telling her Did I not tell you and promise you that if you would believe and rely on Me, you would see the glory of God? 

Then I read the unthinkable, mind-blowing conclusion: Lazarus alive!  And Job restored (two-fold)!!

God brought resurrection, renewal, HOPE to each of these desperately awful circumstances.  He’s been doing this in my life in recent months, too.  Amazingness.

“So will it be with the resurrection of the dead.  The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.”  ~1 Cor. 15:42-44

“For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.”  ~1 Cor. 15:52

Are all these things a signal to me….?  Is God surely saying He’s bringing resurrection life – renewed hope – back into my life?  Into areas I’ve deemed “dead” in the past, completely without hope of being awake/alive again?

Is He saying that to you, too?