Ladies, this one is for you.

You know when you like a guy — like, REALLY like him — so much you’re willing to let him get away with “bad behavior”, maybe treat you less than you hoped for?

Maybe you jump at his last-minute invitations, excuse him when he fails to call when promised, or turn a blind eye to his over-drinking/ over-spending/ over-anything?

Boy, do I know!

Prior to meeting my husband, I met all kinds of interesting & not-necessarily-nice characters. I’ve also watched one too many friends have horrible dating experiences. I hope to spare other ladies similar heartache by letting you in on a secret: You play a huge role in finding Mr. Right!

One of my best friends was dealing with her ex recently, a guy trying to win back her heart.  He told her all kinds of sweet things about how he’d wait for her & work hard for her.  It sounded so wonderful.

But I wasn’t sure.  My gut told me otherwise, and I didn’t know why… so we had a girl talk and broke it down.  [Thank God for the girl talk!  How many a woman has been spared by the advice and counsel of her friends?]  🙂

Our conversation sparked great ideas, ones for every woman, so I’m sharing them with you.

But girls, before reading further, please know my heart for every woman is to have great relationships and make the best decisions for themselves & the people in their lives, too.  I pray every woman finds a WONDERFUL man to share her life with, and I believe God has one in store for everyone He’s preparing for marriage!

My heart hurts when I see girls struggle to find a true love that seems non-existent in a world of immature young men.  I’ve been there and it’s tough. So here’s my encouragement to you:

Yes, God is in control of our romantic worlds, but we still have a choice in the matter.  Many a woman shoots herself in the foot – wasting time with the wrong type of men – by making decisions that move her further away from the man she really wants.

Our love lives are not simply “up to fate” & God.  You, my friend, have a weighty say in the matter!  That was my message to my girl friend last week and now it’s my message to you.

In our conversation, I offered my friend practical advice from a girl who has been blessed beyond belief with a loving man.  Do I deserve him?  Hardly!!  But did I take certain steps to attract the type of man who would respect me, treat me better than “OK”, and value who I am?  You better believe I did.

This advice works.  It’s worked for me and plenty of ladies besides me.  So hear me out & open yourself to perhaps a new perspective.  I hope you’ll begin to expect the guy in your life to be a true man, instead of staying stuck in ‘adultescence’ for years to come. I hope you’ll begin to call out the best in him.

What he may not know (& what I’ve discovered) is that he secretly needs that from you.

A Heart-to-Heart with My Friend

This is my text to her:

I was careful with my husband. I made him “work” for my heart, and he’s told me how much he treasures me because he had to put so much effort into it.  I’ve learned through him & other men that they WANT to sacrifice for the right lady!  If it comes easily, their childish side may like that, but deep-down they feel manly when they have to sacrifice something for a woman. I’m learning that men are hard-wired this way!

If you’re with a man who wants whatever comes easiest, he is not yet a man & isn’t marriage material (yet). To find a commitment-minded man, you must encourage him to commit in various stages. If he’s gun-shy about it, he may not be ready 1) to settle down or 2) for you. That’s OK.

[My friend] said this Sunday night – that the guy in her life can’t be the right one for her “because he has 2 kids”. Then she said, “Let’s be honest – for the right guy, that wouldn’t matter.” The cold, hard truth is that he wasn’t worth it to her.

Same with guys. They’ll commit regardless of obstacles if you’re the right girl & they’re ready. Us ladies need to stop making excuses for them & kick them to the curb when they aren’t treating us right haha 🙂

Your man appears to be commitment-oriented (happy dance!) – but he needs to re-earn your trust. He’ll wait it out if it’s worth it to him, & he’ll value & respect you more because you didn’t take crap from him. A woman can encourage a man to grow up quickly by what she will & will not tolerate.

I’ve let my husband know – without being a supreme diva – that for us to work well, I won’t tolerate several things. We’re not talking superficial things but important ones like fidelity, respect, & the like. He knows this and respects my desires – & he has boundaries for me that I try to respect.

Your “list” may differ from mine, but the principle’s the same: Your future man will jump through whatever hoops you put up to win your heart (within reason of course). I’m not encouraging prima-donna behavior! I’m simply encouraging self-respect & healthy boundaries.

I think you’ll get a wonderful man because you = an AMAZING woman, but you can receive less-than-ideal treatment from even the right man if you tolerate it. 

Set the bar and don’t be afraid to set it high!  Men love a woman who respects herself.  It’s like a real man’s mating call 🙂  Trust me – don’t settle for less.  Remember my favorite line: “You catch what you bait for.” 

When my friend confided that she wished someone would tell the guy in her life what she wanted, my response was this:

Why don’t you tell him this yourself?  No one told Brian what I wanted and needed in a man but me.  Honest communication is the best place to start.

I so dearly desire to see my friends and other women have strong healthy relationships!  Many ladies, myself included for the longest time, don’t realize we can make positive changes in our relationships to improve them!

I want my girlfriends to know they don’t have to wait for the right guy to come along – they can encourage the men around them to “step up to the plate” & be men.  Guys often need that encouragement from women to be the man they want (& we need them) to be.

My friend:

I do that a lot.  I think some knight in shining armor is going to come along and swoop me off my feet and keep living this fantasy instead of expecting the reality from who is around me!  This really resonates with me Summ.

My response:

I want people’s relationships and lives to improve.  But to have better lives and better relationships, we have to make tough choices sometimes (like refusing to enable addicts, for instance) for things to improve….and sometimes they get worse before they get better, which is not fun.

I wish people would not take it as criticism or judgment.  There are certain choices we can make that hurt us, and I try to discourage these and encourage good choices so people don’t experience what I did.  Wish someone had coached me before my life took a nosedive.

The Verdict?

Once my friend talked to her guy and told him what she wanted and needed in a relationship, he said he wasn’t ready 🙁  While this was tough to hear, it’s a huge blessing because she doesn’t waste precious time with a man who’s not right for her.

By being bold enough to tell him what she expects in her ideal relationship, my friend has now freed-up her heart for a better man to enter her life.  So proud of her!  This was my last response:

The man who you marry will be ready and will love you and not have huge issues.  I’m so glad you can break free and move forward now.  That’s why I love the DTR… it clarifies relationship expectations when you’re confused so you don’t waste time with someone who isn’t ready for what you are.  I’ve used it too and saved myself lots of heartache.  You are not dumb for having an open heart.  That shows you’re in a place that he isn’t.

So sorry.  But also happy you’re free from getting hurt further.  See?  Your gut instinct with him was spot-on.  You were guarded for good reason.  Us ladies need to follow our gut more often 🙂

I think you’re stronger than him, and every girl needs a man who’s stronger than she is.  He’s got some work to do with himself before he’s ready to settle down.

My Final Thoughts? Don’t Settle

Girls, I’m not advocating we be demanding divas, expecting a perfect man to open every door and roll out the red carpet.  But please value yourself more and do not, as Scripture says, “Throw your pearls before swine.”  Please don’t do it!  You are worth far more than pearls, and any man unwilling to wait for you is not right for you.

Walk away, don’t apologize for your standards, & wait for a man who treasures you.  He won’t be perfect, but he will love you and respect you the way God created you to be.

Don’t accept anything less than God’s best.  He’s out there, and he wants to rise to the challenge of winning your heart one day and one sacrifice at a time — but he needs you to let him.  Don’t accept a boy, otherwise he may have no reason to grow up and be a man.

Lastly, it’s important to mention that, yes, my husband is an incredible man, but I did not make him into the man he is today.  With God’s help, he made the choice to step up to the plate, be a man, and win my heart the old-fashioned way.  But you better believe my personal decisions weighed heavily into the health of our relationship and now marriage.

My choices attracted a man like my hubby who was ready & willing to treat me well (& I happily reciprocated!). Your choices can make a huge difference in how your dating life turns out, too.

It has NOT been an easy road to turn down the jerks & wait for the knight in my life… but please trust me on this one: the harder the fight, the sweeter the victory, and the deeper the love can be.

I believe that if my dream came true, yours can too. I pray God sends you the right man in the perfect season. Blessings to you!

xoxox
Summer